Don't Look at the Past
It's been 10 months.
I believe it's time I share the (only) two dreams I've had of Sadie.
For the last 10 months, I have quite frequently prayed that God would shield me from dreams of Sadie.
To some, that may seem jarring; to me, I didn't know if I could handle the heaviness of seeing her, holding her, hearing her, but not having her in my arms - again- when I woke up.
However, in the next breath, I have spoken my longing for her, and begged Him that when/if I'm able, please let me see and/or be with her because I know this is the only way to do so in my life at this moment.
I have remembered two dreams:
The first one was me just holding her. Sadie's head was on my shoulder, but I never saw her face in my dream. I kept stroking her hair (something I miss terribly), and asking if she was hungry, and if I needed to feed her.. If you knew Sadie, you know why I asked her... Sister loved her food!
I knew I wasn't able to keep her, and that she would have to go back to Heaven. Even in my dream, my need to take care of her still existed, however, I knew she wasn't mine to keep. I kept asking if it was time to give her back. I woke up before she had to leave me again.
The second dream I had will never escape my mind. This dream was not incredibly detailed, yet so memorable.
We were surrounded by a pink sky- it was sunrise or sunset. Sadie and I were together, holding hands, and there was wind in our hair... I think we were running. She was smiling like she always did- big dimples glaring back at me. With her big brown eyes and contagious smile, she looked at me and said:
Momma, don't look at the past... look toward the future. Tell Daddy too!
I woke up right after she spoke those words to me, and I repeated that phrase so I wouldn't forget it.
There is HOPE in our future, and my sweet daughter is able to reiterate this to me. God knew I needed this in a big way. Thank you, God.
The day after I had that sweet, wonderful dream, I was on the phone that day with my friend, and I was sharing my dream with her. We were talking about how good God is and how much I needed that from Sadie. As we were talking, I cut her off (sorry, Jamie!) because a dragonfly flew around me and landed on the one FOOTBALL in our backyard.
Jamie shared in my excitement and awe of our creator. I felt God surround me, and reiterate to me that He is in control; I can continue to trust Him even though the passing of time can hurt.
In the depth of our pit, the night of June 26, 2017, with tears in my eyes and a shattered heart, I told God:
I choose you.
Daily, I try to remain faithful to that promise. It has not been easy, and God reiterates that in the Bible; even when we choose Him, we're not exempt from pain and suffering.
However, He has never let us down.
I believe that as we continue to trust Him and His plan, He will continue to use us and our story.
If we continue to keep our eyes on Him, I believe that we will continue to see dragonflies and have sweet dreams of Sadie when my heart is able to handle it.
"For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but One who has been tested in every way as we are, yet without sin. Therefore let us approach the throne of grace with boldness, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us at the proper time."